Today I learned that my mom just read this site. I was showing her something else that linked to here and she told me this morning that she liked this site the best.
Uh oh. The best? Did she see everything that I am doing online. This site is supposed to be a personal space for me to tell the outside world who I really am. Free psychiatry. The last thing that I need is anyone in real life knowing what is going on in my head.
I was not happy at all. I told her that, she changed the subject.
Why? Why did it make me so angry. Why did I want to delete everything on this site. What is wrong with my mom knowing who I am? Do I really think so poorly of myself that I don’t want to connect with others offline.
I want to be a successful writer, someday I am going to have to have to confidence to show people my work. Why am I not doing that now.
What am I ashamed of?
I can’t even properly express myself. I have absolutely no motivation to write on this site anymore. I can’t rant anymore. This place is where I work out my problems, where I talk to myself.
This is a personal conversation, why am I posting it online?
Am I that desperate to connect with other humans? It’s a sad pathetic and lonely life that I live.
This might be my last post, I don’t want my mom to know how much I really hate myself.
I really need to get out of this basement.